Hand fasting

I shouldn’t be investing this much. It’s only been six months but its felt longer with her. Somehow I feel as though time has stood still allowing us to exist in a world thats bigger on the inside than how small it looks from the outside. She’s been my friend for 9 months, been with me through an abusive ex and in my corner ( allowing me to realize during those three months of friendship I had fallen in love before freaking out because I was with the ex, trying to make it work. Another blog entry/story for another day). Violently I push the thoughts away as fingers fly.

Over, under, over the log, under the log, my brain tells me as wings of blue, green, and gold flutter through my fingers. We’re talking of a trip to visit each other as I consider our love. We’ve never met in person. The majority of our communication comes through texts and Skype, with few video chats and many phone calls with care packages.  Many of my friends ask me what the point is. If I can not touch and taste the fruits of desires, why am I committing myself? Why do I wear the necklace she wears along with the claugdah ring she bought me?

Because I love her. And she loves me. Despite what some authors of the lesbian community believe about the fact that a ldr online only relationship can’t work.  I think it can. I know it can. I’ve had friends in long distrance relationships that have lasted for more than 2 years and are engaged. For her and I, we talk of moving to NYC with four furry babies, two kittens, a Husky and a Corgi puppy in an apartment with  the idea of our own little ones later on.  I smile at these thoughts letting the satin of the ribbon brushes against my hand while I imagine our future.

Never before have I ever imagined a life with anyone. It was always vague flashes that were muddier than an image in a scrying mirror but with her, it’s like someone has sharpened the photo fine tuning the details. I keep weaving the ribbons into a braid before finally stopping for the night. The first braid is done along with the second having five inches braided.

I’m crafting her hand fasting cords for our year anniversary, where we plan to met up and take a vacation together. I want to do a commitment ceremony   with her. A promise that no matter what may come our way I want to commit to her, to make this last. These cords will take months to finish, just like it’ll take time for us to meet in person (I’m a college student who makes 600 bucks a month [which is a good month] and put 500 of it towards bills/taking care of my own needs. Money is hard to come by)

But I know that this will be worth it. Braids of gold, blue, and green wrapped around our hands as I promise to be her mate and stay by her side. I can only pray as I finish the first braid that this will last as long as our relationship will. To the point of forever and beyond



“I love you”
Words that are celebrated fill me with dread
I wonder if she really means it
If this is just a game,
Another round of target practice for those
Wondering how easy it’ll be to add another crack.

She senses fear, gently coaxing my hands into hers
Grounding me in this storm of doubt that batters my soul,
Gentle words and touches soothe the abused wolf within
Beginning to trust the beautiful woman who loves me with all her heart.

As she repairs my soul, I whisper the words back to her gently
Binding my heart to hers with the bound of mate.
“I love you” I whisper, full of trust tempered by pain,
” I love you.” I promise to try to be the woman she needs with these words

Because I love her.
As much as she loves me.