In the middle

Somehow this happens when I’m trying to work on me. I’m trying to be a good student, to do what needs to be done for me and my life when life throws as much shit as it can at me.  I feel like I’m a pledge in life’s sorority constantly getting the paddle or being sent straight into the shit hole to prove some sort of loyalty to it.  It’s 10:30 and I have an essay to write. The tv is finally mine after a week of my brother living down stairs from tearing his ACL during a wrestling meet.My shows are stacking up in the DVR  much like the endless responsibilities threatening to destroy what little sanity I have left. Trying to muster enough give a damn to focus on both her and this paper I somehow manage to do so.

Soon enough, she’s commanding  my full attention with her life. She’s started dating a mutual friend of ours over winter break. In short It’s been about a month since they got together and for her, I’m the other lesbian who is A) closeted &  B)in a ldr (long distance relationship) so I am the advice giver. The conversation we have leaves  me angry.

“I’m not in love with her. I’m in love with a man who I’ve always been in love with. He makes me glow when I’m around him.But I’m still wanting to sleep with women.” By the end of it I’m in no mood to listen to the special snowflake problems she is having. She laments her inability to pick between being straight or gay, that her  life would be easier for it.

And while I am normally sympathetic  to my friends problems. I wish to scream at her as many profanities as I can. Does she not understand that this will not only effect their lives, but ours as well. I don’t want  to choose sides because I’ll choose the ex over her. Because I know what it is like to be the ex. Because she should have waited till she knew herself before getting in a relationship like this.

For now I straddle the middle hoping to weather the storm this will bring.

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