I’m unsure how long this panic will last. I can not sleep. Can not think or speak the words I need to free myself from this monster that has a hold of me. This is my nightmare. My father’s words meant as a joke “She’s her girlfriend” sent waves of terror intent on drowning my soul. I find myself staring at an essay prompt that needs to be done, the idea of censorship is something that needs to be fought. That knowledge is something to be desired to make us better human beings. But, I wonder as I stare at the clock, if ignorance is truly bliss and things are best kept hidden. I can recall the time I tried to see if my parents had knowledge on what would happen to me if I declared my love for the female gender.
Hellfire and brimstone, labelled sick by my mother, and pretending to be normal while my secrets begged to be bleed out through my wrists. I can’t give into that demon again. I promised that I wouldn’t let my demon control me like that again. She waits though, holding a razor blade wanting to slice my skin open again. Instead her brother just sits by me fueling my panic as he whispers everything negative that I have ever thought or heard about me.
It is almost 2 am and I try to tune them out. Try to keep myself busy .I wonder if it’s better for me to leave my girl now. To run away and never look back, to keep her safe from me, from my family. The family that is so shattered we don’t know how to be together. I lay awake wondering how mad she’ll be if I text her, telling her to have a good trip to NYC that one day it’ll be us there. I don’t tell her that the nightmares keep me awake. The thoughts that don’t ever stop. The ones that tell me she deserves someone better, someone open and stable.
Not me. Not the shattered girl who has no idea how to put herself back together again as fingers struggle to catch the shards of my once unbroken facade. The girl who struggles with depression and doubts, who wonders if she’ll wake up the next morning, if her life truly matters, and maybe, if fading away is the best option for all.
I’m unsure if I’ll survive this life. If I’ll make it through this attack and be able to be strong enough to still love my girlfriend. I’m unsure if she wants to spend a life with me. But its 2am and she’s coaxing me through texts to rest my head. So I’ll close my eyes unsure if I’ll be okay but I’ll try to sleep unsure if I’ll truly be able to rest.